Thursday, February 14, 2019

There's a vaper on the road / his brain is squirming like a toad

As I attempt to divert things to this blog that I otherwise might have Twittered or BookFaced, I have to announce that I just sang a song of my own invention to two dogs and a cat, inspired by a human I saw walking past my house. Just a little tune I like to call Vaping in the Snow, to the tune of this:

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Socially awkward dogs in penguin costumes

So I survived my colonoscopy! 

  • My gastroenterologist looks younger every time I see her (I've been seeing her for about six years). Her bedside manner has improved. I am so reassured by her, she seems incredibly competent. 
  • There was some kind of minor emergency that meant I had to lie there, prepped and waiting, for an hour, with nothing to read. I just listened to the nurses laughing and admired the "disposable curtains" in my "room," labeled to be disposed of in July. There were honeycombed mesh panels at the top that were nice to look at.
  • I was slightly more awake for it this time? At least, I thought I was at the time, but in retrospect, maybe not?*
  • My intake nurse's name was Jim, and he was from Montreal and has dual citizenship. His favorite book is 100 Years of Solitude. He told me not to drive a car later, but also not to make any financial decisions.*
  • I chose from the snack options, with utter assurance: water and a granola bar. Then I worried I'd made the wrong selection.*
  • Wandering around in a hospital johnny looking for a bathroom, pre-procedure = priceless.

*"Twilight sleep" = versed and fentanyl**

**To be frank, I wish I could have twilight sleep on airplanes. Someone could wheel me off at my destination and give me some apple juice and pretzels.

Thursday, February 07, 2019

Opposite day

The opposite of a gratitude list, or as Ganching might say, "minuses."* 

  • A man at Whole Foods sort of walked "through" me several times in the produce section. I have never felt more invisible! He'd be like, "Woah, excuse me!" after basically stopping right in front of me as I was striding purposefully, or the opposite, where he'd realize he was about to walk into me at the very last minute. I'm sure it wasn't me, it was him, but still.
  • If you're on your phone, looking down at it, as you pull up to or through an intersection, or go around a corner, while driving your fucking car, you make me feel like an elderly person because I believe it's my duty to scowl at you.
  • My boots smell like cat pee.**

*She always pairs them with "pluses," though.

**Theo has nothing to do with it. It's actually just "wet boot," but it's reminiscent of cat pee, which is actually another vivid memory-spurring scent, back to the basement of friends just a few doors down from our house when I was in fifth grade and we'd play down there. It seemed very cool (I think there was a "bar" in the basement), but boy did it smell like cat pee.

Wednesday, February 06, 2019

This post is about peanut butter

Every so often, either Mark or I will accidentally buy the peanut butter from Trader Joe's that says NO STIR in large print, and then adds in the tiny-print ingredients area, powdered sugar, palm oil. We've had just such a jar of peanut butter sitting on our counter with its receipt for a week or two, waiting for one of us to remember to grab it en route to Trader Joe's to exchange it for some actual peanut butter. Made with peanuts.* 

Today I was desperate for peanut butter for some reason, and being one week away from the second colonoscopy of my life (which under normal circumstances would make me approximately 60 years old), I am not supposed to eat nuts or seeds or dried fruits or tomatoes. Or corn. Or popcorn. And the only peanut butter we have that's not tainted with dog saliva or palm oil is crunchy, i.e. full of peanuts.** 

Anyway, so I ate some of the fake peanut butter on a slightly stale graham cracker (the only bread we have is full of seeds), and that taste — graham cracker, sweet, creamy peanut butter — was intensely evocative of...something.*** One of those non-specific and yet so very specific childhood somethings. I need to make a list and include this with the smell in the bread aisle at the grocery store et al.

*To clarify, there are peanuts in the NO STIR peanut butter. We are just trying to be healthy and avoid eating excessive amounts of powdered sugar and palm oil.

**Yeah, I know they're legumes, but still.

***Although we almost always had Skippy brand extra crunchy when I was a kid. I used to get a big spoonful and eat it for a snack.

Wednesday, January 30, 2019

Pity those who have not thick mittens

It must be 2019, because

  • I just spent my Christmas $ on a bottle of CBD oil*
  • I cooked a Certified Humane chicken breast for my dogs last night
  • You can spend $60 on 12 stickers that you stick upon your body if you so choose. These stickers are programmed with specific sub-harmonic frequencies to target particular lifestyle concerns. In other words, each sticker is a vibrational energy disc designed to help people achieve harmonic homeostasis. "Wait, what?" you ask? Well, let me clarify: Through a proprietary technology, frequencies are recorded, condensed, and stored within the sticker, in much the same way that you would save a file to your computer’s hard drive. When the sticker is properly applied to your skin, it begins broadcasting the stored frequencies, which may influence the cells in your body. 

*My friend, do not conflate my bottle of CBD oil with "Body Vibes" body stickers. They are not at all equivalent, except for the fact that they are available for purchase in the Year of Our Lord 2019.